A. Web(b) of Dreams

it wasn’t too long ago that i posted a blog about my job, about the discouragement i had been feeling, but then the sense of peace i felt at being in the midst of God’s will. that never meant that the job was easy, not for a second. i went through the following months with an awareness of why God was placing these children into my care, but that didn’t make things easy. my heart for each child, parent, and foster parent made a hard job even harder. because see, caring too much creates it’s own struggles. i wanted so hard to complete the purpose God set me out to accomplish and i was determined to push through. and goodness did he set some trials in my way. 

the mom i had talked about in the last post who viewed me as a rock. the one i was so excited to see transform. well, she died. the week following Valentine’s Day she was found. overdose. i was crushed. i knew that for her daughter this was the beginning of a whole different life story she is about to live out, and i hated the thought of the moment we had to break the news to her. it was hell. 

a few weeks later, i was escorted out of a home with some colorful language and orders never to come back. somehow me, of all people, was accused of being discriminatory. if you know me at all, well you know the truth. in the moment i tried to laugh it off, but the hurt and anger i feel every time i see that man isn’t so funny. he can apologize and i can say i forgive him for that day and situation, but that doesn’t make me feel safe about the home those children are living in. 

in the midst of this there was one specific case that kept me focused. they have been through 4 caseworkers in the past year and a half, me being the 5th. little B has been in foster care since she was a few months old, her 4th birthday is this week. i was determined to see them through to the day she went to our adoption team. but her mom continues to get her way and push off the inevitable. while i thought a few months ago she would be headed the adoption route, she still has yet to get there. 

i knew God wanted me where i was. i thought i still had these assignments to complete. but then i got an email. the email outlined a job opening titled a “missions area leader.” that was about all it said. i mentioned it to Rob and he immediately said, apply. now he is a wonderful and loving husband, but he isn’t the one to leave the comfortable for the unknown. so with his support, i researched. i found out the details and decided sure, why not just apply and see what happens. i was praying not so much to get the job, but for God to reveal his plan and if that didn’t mean moving jobs i was going to be comfortable where i was at. i was excited about the potential, but hesitant with a feeling that maybe God wasn’t finished with me where i was at. 

(in the midst of all of this, i began working 10 hours a week for Circle of Hope International, who i travel to Malawi with. on top of a 40+ hour a week job i was definitely feeling worn down. so was Rob. if anything is going, it definitely isn’t this job. it doesn’t feel like work, it uses my passions, and it is a job where they WANT me to go to Africa…does it get any better???) 

so a few weeks went by and i got an exciting email. i was in the midst of one of the lowest weeks i have had in my job. i didn’t want to be there. i got an email wanting to set up an interview. i went the following week. just a few days after that i got offered a second interview. this was a little more intimidating, a room of 6 people all there to interview me. but i left feeling excited and hopeful. the following morning, the church offered me the job as their missions area leader. in a nutshell, i will oversee and work alongside the volunteers and teams in the local and global missions field. i will get to explore new opportunities and help them advance what they are already doing. talk about exciting! 

there were obviously logistical concerns. finances, i hate the word money. but we came up with a plan and i accepted this position. may 1 will be the start of a great adventure (or should i say new chapter, no people, not a baby!). i get to increase the time and commitments i hold with Circle of Hope (with the help of some friends, let me know if you are interested!) and i get to be a part of a church community who is excited about the work they are doing in the world. 

i won’t lie, the day i got to put in my 2 weeks notice was a little exciting. i did a little dance. i will greatly miss my coworkers and my kiddos. but there is so much that i will not miss. friday was my last day and i left with excitement for what is ahead. some of the goodbyes were a little difficult and there were moments of doubt, i won’t lie. but when i think about the pain this job has caused and when i look to how i will get to use my passions in a new and appreciated way it brings me back to reality. this is God’s will. i prayed that He would show me the way. i fully believe that He is the one i can say opened the door for this job at just the right time. 

i will still go to bed every night praying for my kids: 

that B will find peace in her foster home, that her journey in foster care will soon end.

that D and A will continue to be strong teenagers in a world that wants to drag them down.

that J and G will grow up to feel loved and cared for wherever they end up. 

that D, C, S, M, and S will grow to be great friends. that their home will be filled with not just kids, but their best friends. 

that S will rise above her circumstances and achieve great things. that the pain of loss will drive her to do more with her life and be greater. 

that M will fine a place to open up and dream big. 

that H and B will be safe in their home. that their parents will do the things required to care for them. 

that K and A will dream big, grow healthy, and learn to follow Christ from a young age. 

i know God placed each of them in my life for a reason. i know that the job allowed me to meet some of my very best friends. i know i will look back on this job and see the good and bad, but that in hindsight i know there will be great lessons to learn because of what i have seen. i will be a better mom, a better friend, a better sister, and a better daughter. i will be thankful for my blessings and giving as a result. 

so, here is to a new job and FREEDOM from the roller coaster that was foster care! 

I’m almost always excited for a new year to begin. I can reflect back and look forward. But saying goodbye to 2011 was honestly sad. I know, it’s cheesy to be sad saying goodbye to a year. I mean, really, it’s basically just a number. But 2011 was much more than a number. It represented a huge chapter in my life. A chapter full of changes and transitions. I graduated college. I got married. I bought a house. I got a salary, big girl job. I got my first puppy. Short of having a baby I can’t think of many other huge transitions I could have had. For so many years I was counting down to the events of this last year, I had so much to look forward to. 2011 was GREAT. I have countless memories from this year, and it really lived up to all I had hoped for it to be.

But while 2011 was great, I’m looking forward to a slightly less busy year. I had so many expectations for 2011 and while it lived up to them, I’m looking forward to a year of less expectation. A simple year. Instead of counting down to the next big thing, I’m excited for a year of living in the here and now. Embracing each day for what it is and not worrying what tomorrow holds. I don’t have big plans or a big countdown list, and honestly that’s a relief.

Favorites and facts of 2011:
Favorite day: wedding day
Favorite trip: Mexico honeymoon. And galena day trip.
Favorite food: Mexican. Hot wings. Potatoes.
Favorite book: the shack
Favorite movie: breaking dawn- I know I know, but I love that book and the movie brought it all to life!
Pet peeve: texts saying “ok”
New/refound obsession: puzzles
Favorite day: Sunday’s at the webbs

2012 will be for many friends what 2011 was for me, and I am anxious to join in all of their countdowns. But I’m ready for a year of less anticipation in my own life. Who knows what 2012 holds, but I am learning to be ok with a life consisting of many less countdowns.

gosh blog, it has been a while. not for a lack of words, more for a lack of wanting to think about things enough to write them out.

just a few months ago i was SO EXCITED to start a new job. i had applied and applied and applied for jobs. all the while praying and praying and praying that God would put the right one in front of me. when i finally got an interview and then a job i just knew this is where God wanted me. being in his will was SO exciting. but just a few months went by and i realized why there is such a high turn over rate in this field. it is HARD. i hit a point a few weeks ago where i hated my job. i hated where i found myself. i apologize to anyone who asked how i was, because honestly i probably cried. i was burned out after just a few weeks on the job and i felt like no one cared. there is an extreme lack of support from the supervisors making a hard job even harder. plus i was given a caseload even an experienced worker really can’t manage.

so i have been in this place of discouragement and began praying again to see God’s will. to understand why this is where he has me. i was praying and seeking answers when i talked to an awesome coworker. she told me something that really made me think, “I know God has me here for a reason and it is to help these families i have been given. i am searching for the reasons God has placed each of them into my care.” this made me think about the same thing regarding my cases and why each of them have been placed with me. not that long ago i knew this was where i was supposed to be. and i was excited about it. what if it really is exactly where God has for me. this place and these frustrations are so worth knowing i am in the middle of God’s will. so i have been looking for reasons on why each of these cases are in my hands, why God has me involved in their lives.

the first realization came yesterday in court. i was with a mom who has awful struggles with drug abuse and mental health diagnosis. this alone is amazing, with my four years in college studying psychology and addictions counseling i have been able to help her on a level many others couldn’t, just because of the education i received. but it gets better. we walked out of her court hearing and she thanked me for being her rock. she shared how during court she received “looks that could kill” from the states attorney and a few others in the court room, but from me she had a look of encouragement. she thanked me for believing in her. now it isn’t everyday we hear a thank you from a client. most days i feel hated by most everyone. but this mom was sitting here thanking me for what i felt like was nothing. she thanked me for being her rock and standing by her believing in the change she can make. she shared how she wanted to prove to everyone in that courtroom what she can do and how she can change. she shared her plans and what she is already doing, i encouraged her. because i want to sit there on the day she gets her daughter back and be able to say “look what she did!.” because i believe in her. i believe in my clients and their ability to change. and if a little smile across the courtroom is what they need to inspire them, that is what i will do. i will stand behind the parents as long as they commit to doing their stuff and getting better, and when they don’t i will stand behind the awesome foster families who bring these children in as their own. who make them part of their family. who give them a forever home when no one else can.

if this is God’s will and where he wants me…i am going to make the most of it. God has blessed me with 20 children who i can go to bed praying for. because i know that my mom goes to bed every night praying for me, i will do the same for these kids. because if no one else is going to, at least i can pray that they will be healthy and strong, that they will be successful and reach for the stars, and that they will rise far above their circumstances. i will be a rock to the mothers, a guide to the fathers, and a prayer warrior for the children.

thank you Jesus for reminding me of my calling. thank you for entrusting me with these children and for sharing your heart for them with me. thank you for making my heart break for what breaks yours.

36 days ago I wrote an entry that never made it out into cyberspace….It spoke to how I felt discouraged and beat down by my job. I worked at target, third shift, barely over minimum wage, and I had a college degree. Talk about feeling like I was wasting my college degree…But I went on to talk about a discussion I had with a friend who is becoming more and more dear as I enter married life (She has an amazing God centered family, but that is a whole different topic :). She was encouraging me and sharing how it may not be today, tomorrow, or years down the road that I use my degree- but God has a plan in it. And the way he plans for me to use it may be nothing like the image I have of using it. I ended praying that God would give me patience and also help me to loosen my grip. To realize that he knows how the puzzle pieces align and in order for him to make a masterpiece out of me I needed to give him all the pieces. God is the potter and I am the clay. I want him to mold me and make me.

32 days ago I got a call from a social services agency that was no longer even on my radar. I had previously applied, but the positions had been filled. They scheduled an interview.

29 days ago I had an interview.

24 days ago I got a job offer.

18 days ago I started this new job. Say hello to the foster care case worker!

Literally days after I fell on my knees praying for God to take control. To make me happy where I was. To make me feel adequate…I get this amazing opportunity. Not only will I be using my degree, but I will be using it in an area that I am extremely interested in and passionate about. I get to fill my days with children who have faced trials far beyond their age. I get to fill up families who need Jesus more than anyone I know. I absolutely cannot wait to meet the children, biological families, and foster parents I will be working with. There is of course fear, apprehension, and a sense of inadequacy. But I am so confident in where God has me at this time. I know that if I am in his plan there is no better or safer place for me.  Needless to say I am even more convinced that giving up my control to God, who is so much bigger than I, is really the only hope of finding any sense of success. He knows my fate, he has the plan, and without him I would be nothing. Well, I would probably be stocking shelves at target :)

With only two days left as a 21 year old I find myself thinking over the past year. 21 goes down as the best year of my life thus far and it isn’t real hard to say why. It has been a challenging year full of transitions and moves and relationship changes, but it has been so incredibly rewarding at the same time. No blog post will do the year justice, but in a nutshell here is some of why this has been the absolute best year of my life… -I graduated from college! -I married my best friend! -I started the year out celebrating with my Malawian loves. (sorry people, but you can’t compete after a birthday like that one!) -I have made new friendships and have seen old friendships blossom to whole new levels. -I moved into a home that is OURS. I can decorate and bring my dreams to life. -I finally live minutes from my family and am going nowhere.

A year that started out in Africa and is ending as a newlywed clearly marks one I won’t soon forget. I am sad to say goodbye to 21 because of all it has meant in my life and that of everyone around me. But I am also looking forward to 22, a simple year that may not be full of African adventure, graduation, or getting married. But a year that has it’s own potential. Settling into married life, finding some sort of career, traveling, building new relationships and strengthening the old, but most of all enjoying every day and finding adventure in the ordinary.

today was a monumental day. i attended my very last undergraduate class and my very last chapel. of course i still have finals and the graduation ceremony. but lectures are done. i want to continue feeding my brain, learning new things regularly. but now it gets to be things i want to learn at the time, not lessons and facts and definitions that are required from a class.

i haven’t known what to write these last few weeks, because really i have been in denial. i have been ignoring the fact that this chapter of my life is coming to an end. but it is coming to an end and because blogging is more fun than studying for finals, i decided to see what comes out when i just sit and spit out all the thoughts from in my head.

looking back over these past four years i can see how God has changed me and shaped me. how he has put some many people in my path to teach me huge lessons about life and love. but that doesn’t make leaving any easier.

i am thankful for my friends and roommates. through them i have laughed more these last four years and found more true happiness than ever before. i have hundreds of memories with them over these last four years that i will forever treasure.

i am thankful for my church family here. for the spiritual nourishment they have provided me, but more so the relationships. i have been able to not only teach, but also learn from the youth group students. God revealed a whole new passion in my heart that i never would have known had it not been for them…plus, it isn’t every church that pulls you up front on your last sunday to pray over you and bless you as you go onto the next place.

i am thankful for the bowser family. for their willingness to share their babies with me and welcome me into their home. at my lowest points these last few years i have always had the relaxation of sitting and snuggling with their sweet girls. it may have been a blessing for them to have me there, but they will never know how much more of a blessing it has been for me. they gave me a glimmer of peace and happiness in a few of my lowest semesters.

i am thankful for my classes and professors. they know my name and my needs. they treasure their relationships with each student. and i am thankful that i could attend a school where i can leave saying this. they not only taught me and fed my brain with great knowledge that will take me great places, they also fed me spiritually. praying before classes, sharing devotions, and being vulnerable with us as students.

i am thankful for chapel. as much as it became an annoyance and repetitious, it still brought me to a whole new place over four years. i stood today reminded of how many encounters with God I have had in that community. through chapel i have heard the voice and call of God. i will miss being in a community of believers like i am here. a community who raises their hands in worship to our awesome God three times a week.

that is just the start. i am leaving indiana wesleyan university so different than i came in. closer to God, closer to family, and with new and closer friendships than i have had anywhere. i’m sad to be closing this chapter. the next week will be full of sad goodbyes, but great expectations.

i have great hopes of how God is going to use what i have experienced here in the future. i have great hopes of where i will go from here. while it seems overwhelming i am excited for a career to start, and my formal education to be over. and of course, most of all, i am excited for the married chapter to begin in just one short month. because if i have learned this much in four years, how much more is God going to teach me through the rest of my life with Rob.

so as one chapter ends another is about ready to begin. and i am learning to fall into Christ’s arms in this transition. because he not only knows where i have been, but he also knows where i am going. and that is where the real comfort is.

i’m reading my way through a few books of the Bible right now. i started january first with psalms and genesis. i’m not trying to read through the Bible in a year, i’ve tried. i end up kicking myself with guilt. and i don’t think God wants me to read his word out of obligation. and i really don’t think he wants me to feel filled with guilt when i don’t read my daily quota. but regardless, i commited myself to a year of reading God’s word as much as possible. i want to know him more. and the longing burning within me to know him more is stronger than ever before. in this year of transitions. change. stressors. i know that God will be here. consistent. never changing. and he wants to take my burden. so i am falling into his arms.

as i was reading a few days ago in genesis, a few small words stood out to me. it was after we hear about abraham going to sacrifice his son. after God provided a ram. abraham put his trust in God. he named that place “yahweh-yireh.” it is so simple. meaning- the lord will provide. but those words have been ever running through my head. the lord will provide.

it was ironically the same time where me and rob were experiencing this stress about our house. ironic, but perfect. an example of God putting just the right word in my head at just the right time. we had finally gotten the word that this was OUR HOUSE. no more barriers stand in the way, in just 2 1/2 weeks this will be our home. but i think the reality hit us both in an unexpected way, we started worrying about the money. the commitment. it is huge! this is a house!

but i remember praying the night i read those words in genesis 22, yahweh-yireh. praying, lord up to now it has been your will. we have felt YOUR hand guiding us to this point. and now, we were one step from the house and i prayed for God’s will. as hard as it was for my hand to write or for my heart to say, i said, God if it is not your will please just let this fall through and give us comfort in that! but i woke up the next morning to the words from Rob “it is ours! the house is ours!!!”

i have felt so clearly along each step of the way God’s hand guiding us. from first everyone loving the same house. to the family responding instantly with a ridiculously wonderful counter offer. to meeting the perfect man at the bank we didn’t initially expect to go to. we had our disappointments and fears, but God has provided. and when we are filled with fear in the days to come on how we are going to make all of this work, i will remind myself yahweh-yireh.

because up until now God has guided us. and i don’t see that changing anytime soon. i’m praying for this continued reliance on God. a willingness to sacrifice. and a heart knowing God will provide.

A couple days ago marked the beginning of a new year…the crazy week that marked the end of 2010 made me so ready for this. I may change my thought line when I am sitting in classes writing dates and my mind goes back to 2010. But my automatic thought these days is it is 2011, year of the wedding! And at this point any chance I get to write the date or think about the year I get giddy. The year is off in crazy fashion, but it is refreshing. I did a top 10 of 2010. A list looking back… But here is a top 11 of 2011. Things to look forward to. I know this year has a lot in store for me, and most likely will be the biggest in my life. I can only see pieces. I’m excited to see each piece God has planned that I can’t even comprehend yet. But here is a start:

11)Coming back to Peoria permanently [at least for the time being]. 4 months until this place is real home again. 10) I’m really looking forward to the end of the college chapter and the memories yet to be made. I can’t wait for the semester to end, but I can’t wait for the memories in the meantime. 9)Looking forward to a year of documented days. I feel like 2010 is a blur, I want to be able to look back on this year and remember the things I treasured each day. Thank you iPhone and nikon friends for your pictures ;) 8)A year of trying new things and getting to know the old things [people] better. Starting with a 21 day fast, Daniel style. 7)Making more relationships in Peoria, finding a church home, and having people to connect with. The few relationships I have in Peoria I treasure, but I know there is more for me. 6)Spending more time on hobbies. Photography. Crafting. Sewing. Etc. 5)Finding a career, or at least a real adult life with some real income. 4) Moving into my very first home with Rob, and making it our own. 3) Graduating from college! 2)Getting married! 1) I’m looking forward to a year of truly relying on God more. For real this time. I’m looking forward to looking back next January and seeing a me who relies more on God with the big stuff and the little.

Who knows what else God has in store. But I am praying that this year turns out even half as good as expected. Transition is a big part of it all, but I’m learning to lean on Christ and fall into the changes with excitement.

Tomorrow is the last day of this year. It has me thinking about this year, a year marking the beginning of so much change. I decided to start with a look back, before I look forward to what is next. I swore the world was going to end before 2011, a year that has so much in store…but it is so close, and well the world hasn’t ended yet ;).

[Top 10 moments of 2010]

10) Getting my first 4.0 GPA in college.

9) Celebrating with my roommates and friends at school whose lives are changing so much. Graduations. Marriages. Engagements. Med School. Graduate School. We have much to look forward to and I love the moments celebrating together.

8) Finding my perfect wedding dress. and really so many little memories of planning so far.

7) Beginning more photography, and with a best friend, Stephann [I love you girl]!

6) Spending a day and night in Chicago with mom seeing Wicked. Starting a new yearly tradition for us girls :).

5) Beginning the process of purchasing me and Rob’s very first home!

4) Having a baby named after me in Malawi. Little baby Lee, I can’t wait to meet you ;)

3) Putting my feet in the pacific ocean for the first time and seeing California, a place I have wanted to see for so long…and experiencing it all with my mom.

2) Returning to Africa for the 2nd summer, and all the change that came with that.

1) Getting engaged to my best friend forever (bff if you will), Robert Dean Trost.

the events of 2010 are incredible to me, the things that i learned and saw will forever be cherished. it is a year that has brought more change and excitement than any year passed. from engagement to malawi to other travels to hobbies developing into more to relationships and big purchases. there is so much that when i look back to this year i will cherish forever.

but now, it is time to look forward. a year is ahead that is full of so much…graduation, getting married, moving into MY own first home, and who knows what else. all i know is that i am relying on God so much in this huge year of my life. my only resolution for this year is to enjoy each day and each part of my life. i want to treasure the relationships i have now, and i want to capture the ways they evolve. to capture this year of my life, why not use my favorite hobby? so here goes nothing, a year in photos. each day capturing some piece of who i am and what life looks like up until now. i want to remember this year so vividly when i look back years from now. i hope you enjoy a glimpse of each day, the relationships that they have in store, the excitement, the celebrations, the challenging moments, i can’t wait to capture this year!

i cannot believe another year has gone, and another thanksgiving is here. it was a quiet day here at the webb house, no “extras” just our family. and i’ll be honest it was kind of nice. it is fun to look back over this last year at all i’m thankful for, and also fun to look forward to how different next year will be. regardless of the year, or what has happened or is to come, there is always much to be thankful for.

today i was most thankful for my sweet family.

and thankful for the love they have shown me. and taught me to show others.for the laughter they bring into my life. for their constant presence anytime i need them. and their willingness to stand up for me.

i am thankful for a house, full of delicious food made with love by mom, and really all the physical needs I could ever have.

i’m also thankful for this little love who has taught me so many things. i think about her and can’t comprehend the love I will have for my own children.

and i’m thankful for extra days with her. and extra snuggly moments that are rare to come by.

toward the top of the list of things (more like people) that i am thankful is the wonderful fiance that is now a part of our family. i am thankful for the lessons he has taught me, for the forgiveness he has shown me, for the love he shows me so well each and every day. i am thankful for so many things he does for me, shows me, teaches me, and challenges me on.

i’m extra thankful for so many friends that bless my life every day. especially the days where home is far away. they provide me with laughs, smiles, memories, encouragement, love, and so much more each and every day. if i could give you one picture of my friends that would be so great, but they are far to spread and too many to show in one picture. i love you friends, thank you for blessing my life. :)

i’m also so thankful for this year, a year of challenges but so much growth.

i am thankful for the things i learn each day.

i am thankful especially this year for the opportunities i have seen to see the world. and the people i’ve met each place who have taught me incredible things. i have seen a lot, a lot more than many people will ever see. and i am thankful that these memories and these trips are a part of who i am and where i have been.

i am thankful for so many things today. i am thankful for all these things i have experienced, and all these people who have been a part of my life up to now, and i am thankful for the endless blessings God has given me. i can’t wait to see the blessings God shows me this next year, and the lessons he has in store. but for today, i’m thankful for these things. these moments. these people. the things that i don’t have to look forward to, because they are already right here in my life. and there is nothing more that i need.

i’m so thankful to serve a God who has provided me with more than i could ever imagine or ask for, and i hope this year i find myself a little thankful each and every day for the blessings that always surround me.

Happy Thanksgiving friends. <3